There is some people i love spending time. But, i can't have them Everytime. I... Missed them. Too much. Her, him, and everyone in my life. I really miss them. I don’t know why they have a Place inside my heart silent. I can't forget them. I just smile Everytime i think about them. It’s felt like dream sometimes. I love tjem, i guess, but somehow it’s turn out I'm nothing to them. Even though i think I'm, but... I always ended bothering them. Sometimes i think I'm useless. And them i sigh and smile like fool. And think myself, i don’t need to be perfect, if I'm useless, then I'm. But, still a place of my inside keep blaming me for being nothing, and useless. I want to something, yet I'm useless. I... Maybe fall Once for a man, i guess... He don’t know. Actually it wad one sided. But somehow i able to tell this to my brother in law but in the end he thought I'm crazy. Like yeah,who will hold onto a man who never love you back? But i did. And i still have the same feeling for him it just i moved on from hoping to have him. And i never prepare myself to get married. I'm scared of marriage. I thought about this and get more scared. I think.. I can't just slept with a man who i just met and marry. It’s felt suffocating. I.. Just think, maybe I'm weirdo. Cause I'm not able to accept that "a women can slept with a man who she just married. Cause they are married." I just.... Can't. It’s making me sick! After that long time one sided i get into a relations that was kind of good. But i felt like, I'm the one who giving all effort and he is keep something what happened to his life this and that. What make suffocated too. So we broke up. I can say i asked for broke up. And we eventually grew apart. Then i met a man with broken Heart i can say.., i guess. Cause he has huge crush on a girl who didn’t bother that he is exist or not. And he asked me am i single. Do i said yes. He wasn’t my type actually in some way. Like age, wealth and mostly talk. He talk to girls normally. Like really normally. And he is younger than me. And again he wasn’t rich but not poor either. And i think i can't get along with his mother. Yeah. I say some shitty think to his sister tabout his mother. So i guess I'm in her bad book. But i don’t care. After we apart he knew i wasn’t the one he is after. And notice it before he say. Cause It's too easy. I'm just one of his pawn to relief his frustration. Yet i play along. Cause after long time i really have feeling for him. Like liking him. Even though I'm bit older i really do liked him then again. My destined man was waiting for me. Since it wasn’t him. I have to find mine. To buried the feeling and walked to move on. Yeah we are still in touch. Since we didn’t go to any relations so we both decided to be friends. And yeah, we are still friends and he think I'm his best friend i guess. Since he tell me every stressfull things he can't tell anyone. But somehow i felt hurt. I Don't know why. It just hurt. I want those people who make me alive around me. But I'm too scared to tell them. I'm too weak. I can't even say no to a man. It’s annoying. Dear me please be kind with yourself.